* Preliminary notes on the "Learning About Relationships" Workshop
  Learning about relationships is quite different from learning about,
  say, carpentry.  Discovering a new shape of chisel means less to
  most people than discovering that they are needlessly cruel to
  someone whom they care about.  

  Relationships involve issues of fundamental importance to being
  human.  The self of the student is at stake whether or not the
  student chooses to involve themselves in the workshop.

  These preliminary notes are about students and learning.  Other
  aspects of the workshop and relationships are covered in different
  texts.

* What Does "Being In the Workshop" mean?
  Just having the body in a room or reading a text at a terminal
  isn't being in the workshop.  Something needs to be at stake;
  otherwise nothing is likely to happen.  (But never say "never"...)

* What makes a person available for learning in a domain?
  We need to be ready to be a learner, a beginner, willing to listen
  to the suggestions of other people.  Contrary example: teenagers'
  automatic response to a suggestion: "I know..." signals "I don't
  want to hear what you are saying regardless of its merit."

  One way to find what needs to be addressed is to look at what is
  constitutive of a successful serious student.  Then the first job of
  the coach is to give the potential learner the space to become a
  committed learner.

  The bad news is that learning about breaking, repairing, and
  building relationships will be quite slow until the potential
  student becomes the real thing.

  The good news is that becoming a good student is also
  significant movement towards learning about our relationships.

* Stance of the successful student (emotional stance)
  - Passionate about something (in a domain)
  - Committed to learning/change in principle
  - Is willing to declare self a learner.  Equivalent to
    commitment to learning in practice.
  - Believe something in their performance could be better
  - Willing to work to change their performance
  - Persistence in the face of bad news about themselves
  - Aware of domain of study
  - Aware of other people with competence to coach in domain

  Notice that only the last two items ("awareness of") have to do with
  knowing.  All the others are emotional ways of being.

* Moment of truth
  - A crucial moment for the student is when they realize something
    that was heretofore hidden from them (although often not to
    others).  What happens after this is very important.
  - Moments of truth are surprises for us, although we may have had
    some shadows of suspicion which we haven't pursued.
  - Some moments are "aha!" moments.
  - Others are "oh, shit!" moments.
  - Both kinds of moments carry risks and rewards.

* Fundamental obstacles to learning
  - Blindness to the obvious: another person (ex: the coach) helps
    here.
  - Inertia of the nervous system: see "Biology".
  - Inertia of the world: what's killing our relationships may be
    expected behavior in the communities where we live.
  - Attachment to our current self: we may not want to become the kind
    of person we believe we need to be.  Or, we may be afraid to let
    go of the person we are.

* Fear of loss of self
 - Our current Western culture (esp. American) dotes on our "true
   self" which is hidden by luck and circumstance and which needs to
   be revealed by luck, circumstance, workshops, and gurus.

* Tenet of the workshop: there is no "hidden" true self: actions matter.

* Risks for the student
  - In moments of discovery new worlds of possibility are revealed to us.  This
    can be exhilarating and frightening  to us at the same time.
  - In these moments other worlds are closed to us.  These are losses
    to the student.  It isn't easy to see that an "oh shit" moment also
    brings with it an "aha" opportunity.

* Consequences for the workshop and the coach
  - Successful coaching generates both joy and pain for the student.
    The coach has to create a safe place for the student to take risks
    in the world, lest potential students fear to act and to learn.

* Biology
  - "learning" is equivalent to "change in the nervous system".
  - "change in the nervous system" is a physical change limited by the
    physiology of the body.  It takes time and repetition.
  - "change in the nervous system" is equivalent to
    "change of behaviors".
  - "change of behaviors" is equivalent to
    "change of the self".

Copyright 2006 Edward J. (Ted) Gibson